"Does anyone else's robe say 'Hyatt'?"
"Wait. Don't look. O.K., over my left shoulder-is that God?"
"All dogs go to Heaven, because we're not the ones who screwed up."
"It saves energy and makes me feel holier."
"What can I do? Fuel prices are so high."
"Is there any chance of getting my testicles back?"
"Welcome to the after-party."
Tags:hell, hellish, underworld, the underworld, death, dead, dying, devil, devils, demon, demons, the devil, religion, religious, religious imagery, imagery, christian, christian ideals, party, parties, after party, after-party, age, ageing, aged, play on words, word play, word-play, afterlife, after life, sins, consequences, vice, vices
"Did you bring a duplicate copy of your 'Times' obit with you?"
Tags:religion, religious, death, after death, afterlife, heaven, heaven's gate, entrance to heaven, st. peter's gate, saint peter's gate, pearly gates, st. peter, saint peter, angel, angels, paperwork, document, documents, proof, evidence, death certificate, death certificates, government, governments, bureaucracy, duplicate, copy, copies, obituary, obituaries, obit, obits, news, newspaper, newspapers, media, getting into heaven
"No, no, that's not a sin, either. My goodness, you must have worried yourself to death."
"I'd have been here sooner if it hadn't been for early detection."
Tags:early detection, diagnosis, diagnoses, medical advance, medical advances, terminal, terminal illness, terminal illnesses, uncurable, condition, conditions, pearly gates, afterlife, st. peter, saint peter, heaven, heaven's gate, rare disease, rare diseases, disease, diseases, illness, illnesses, sickness, sick, prolonging life
"Relax, honey - change is good."
Tags:death, grim reaper, black humor, language, clichés, dark humor, dark humour, die, dies, dying, transition, transitions, change, changes, changing, positive change, positive changes, afterlife, afterlives, good change, good changes, married couple, married couples, old married couple, old married couples, mankoff
"I just feel we'd know more people in Hell."
"Nobody 'leaked' your transgressions, Mister. We know everything up here."
Tags:religion, religious, death, after death, afterlife, heaven, heaven's gate, entrance to heaven, st. peter's gate, saint peter's gate, pearly gates, st. peter, saint peter, angel, angels, god, watching, leak, leaks, leaked, transgression, transgressions, sins, know, knowing, everything, surveillance, under surveillance, no privacy, invasion of privacy, security, entering heaven
"You picked the wrong religion, period. I'm not going to argue about it."
"Gee, you're not at all like your obituaries."
A car's soul escapes as it expires at the meter.
Tags:parking meter, parking meters, expire, expires, expiring, expiration, die, dies, dying, death, deaths, car, cars, auto, autos, automobile, automobiles, soul, souls, ascend, ascends, ascending, ascension, 21 grams, 21 grams theory, angel, angels, afterlife, afterlives, soul escaping, soul death, expired meter, expired meters, parking ticket, parking tickets
"Just so you know, I'm taking all this with me into the afterlife."
Tags:inheritance, inheritor, wealth, father, dad, fathers, dads, parents, parent, parenting, parenthood, property, egypt, ancient egypt, ancient egyptians, pharaoh, pharaohs, pyramid, pyramids, afterlife, pyramids of giza, properties, estate, estates, retirement, retirement plan, retirement planning, will, wills, cut out of will, disinherited, disinherit, greed, greedy, inheritance tax, inheritance taxes, death tax, death taxes
Concierge in Heaven
"I'm expecting easy confirmation."
Tags:pearl gates, pearly gates, gates of heaven, heaven, confirmation, confirmations, easy confirmation, easy confirmations, political appointment, political appointment, political confirmation, political confirmations, political candidate, political candidates, afterlife, the afterlife, st.peter, st peter, saint peter, judgement, confirmation politics, supreme court, us supreme court, legitimacy, judgement day, dying, died
"You had more money than God. That's a big no-no."
"For years, people did their best to destroy me, but I ultimately prevailed."
"I guess this is as good as it gets."
Tags:pearl gates, pearly gates, gates of heaven, heaven, afterlife, the afterlife, judgement, judgement day, dying, died, angel, angels, paradise, living in paradise, bridge, playing bridge, bridge game, bridge player, bridge players, cards, card game, card games, card player, card players, eternal peace, eternal happiness
"Damn! God gave me that pen."
"That's it? Salesman of the month, August '87?"