"Instead, let me be your investment advisor and get you eleven-per-cent return, year in and year out, regardless of market conditions."
Tags:david, goliath, investment advisor, investment adviser, investment advisers, investment advisors, investor, investors, investment, investments, money advice, financial advisor, financial advisors, financial adviser, financial advisers, bible, bibles, bible story, bible stories, torah story, torah stories, old testament, war, wars, conflict, conflicts
Moses' Reading Glasses
"Place your left hand on the Bible, raise your right hand, and repeat after me, 'Wow, I can't believe this is happening to me.'"
Tags:swear in, swearing in, inauguration, inaugurations, inaugural ceremony, inaugural ceremonies, president, presidents, presidential election, presidential elections, president-elect, president-elects, january 20th, clinton, bill clinton, surprise, surprises, surprising, bible, bibles, oath, oaths, presidential oath
"Congratulations, Ecological Disaster—it's not often we admit another horseman into the Apocalypse!"
Tags:apocalypse, apocalypses, horsemen, horsemen of the apocalypse, four horsemen of the apocalypse, revelation, revelations, bible, bibles, christian, christians, ecology, ecological disaster, global warming, apocalyptic, rapture, raptures, ecological disasters, global-warming, climate change, climate-change, armageddon, disaster, disasters, environment, environmental damage
"O.K., so the meek shall inherit the earth, and the rich will have a hard time getting into Heaven. But what about the middle class?"
Tags:middle class, class, middle-class, shepherd, meek, meek shall inherit, meek shall inherit the earth, matthew, bible, blessed are the meek, they shall inherit the earth, middle classes, middle-classes, blessed are the gentle, eye of a needle, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, camel go through the eye of a needle, class jokes, middle income, god, jesus, bibles, verse, verses, religion, religious, heaven, heavenly, beatitudes, sermon on the mount
Cash / EZ-Pass / Wages of Sin.
"Is he the God of the Old or the New Testament this morning?"
Tags:god, gods, bible, bibles, old testament, old testaments, new testament, new testaments, businesses, business, office, offices, secretary, secretaries, mood, moods, personality, personalities, grumpy, happy, kind, emotion, angel, angels, heaven, heavens, angel, angels, religion, religions, christian, christianity, jealous god, forgiveness, boss, bosses, angry, anger
"If you've finished reading the tablets, please pass them back to the front."
Tags:bible, bibles, the bible, biblical, moses, ten commandments, commandment, ten commandment, 10 commandments, 10, religion, religious, crowd, crowds, read, reading, pass it back, pass it along, pass along, pass it on, pass on, read, reading, stone tablet, tablet, stone tablets, teacher, teaching, teachers, school, schools, learn, learning, meeting, meetings
"Bad news - the unicorns are gay."
Tags:noah, noah's ark, bible, bibles, creation, creation myth, creation myths, creation story, creation stories, flood, floods, biblical flood, biblical floods, animal, animals, mythical creature, mythical creatures, unicorn, unicorns, lgbt, lgbtq, extinct, extinction, extinctions, great flood, noah, going extinct, endangered species, accident, accidents, mistake, mistakes, consequence, consequences, endangered, endangered species
Noah's Ark Being Towed.
"No, this isn't a book signing."
"He knows what you did in Las Vegas."
"You faked your death once before—how do I know you're not faking it now?"
Tags:bible, bibles, biblical, the bible, heaven, heavens gate, heavens gates, heaven's gate, heaven's gates, pearly gates, pearly gate, st peter, peter, saint, saints, saint peter, insurance, insured, life, life insurance, dead, died, death, fake death, fake, fakes, faker, fraud, fraudulent, guilt, guilty, awkward, awkward moment, uh oh, christianity, christian, ethics, ethical, ethic, moral, morals, morally, lie, lies, liar, lying, lawyer, lawyers
Nasdaq, Meshach and Abednego
Tags:business, businesses, stock market, stock-market, stock-markets, money, nasdaq, meshach, stocks, shares, investing, investment, invests, invest, abednego, abed nego, abed-nego, stock exchange, stock-exchange, daniel, book of daniel, shadrach meshach and abednego, meshach and abednego, meshach & abednego, fiery furnace, bible, bibles, religion, too big to fail, biblical, old testament, blessed, survive, surviving, religion, religious, religions
"I'm not sure. Fat compared to what?"
Tags:adam, eve, adam and eve, fat, fats, look, looks, body, bodies, tone, toning, comparing, comparison, reference, reference point, garden of eden, eden, genesis, bible, bibles, old testament, old testaments, book of genesis, parody, relationship, relationships, health, healthy, beauty, appearance, appearances, appear, vanity, self conscious, self-conscious
"A pillar of salt? Why, you poor, poor man."
"I'm leaving you and the kids to join the Promise Keepers."
Tags:evangelical, evangelicals, irony, ironic, fatherhood, families, family, christian, christians, bible, bibles, husband, husbands, father, fathers, dad, dads, religion, religions, radical, radicals, jesus, jesus christ, christ, marriage, marriages, conservative, conservatives, family values, divorce, divorced, divorcing
"Wait for it."
Tags:abraham, abrahamic, isaac, the binding of isaac, binding of isaac, kill, killing, sacrifice, sacrificing, sacrifices, moriah, bible, bibles, hebrew bible, old testament, genesis, god, gods, suspensse, suspend, suspended, wait, waiting, waits, waited, interrupt, interrupts, fear god, religion, religions, fears, fear
Library In Heaven Stocks The Bible And Only The Bible
Tags:bible, bibles, the bible, biblical, bookworm, book worm, bookworms, book worm, book, books, novel, novels, library, librarians, librarian, book lover, book lovers, literature, literary, lit, lit major, read, reading, avid reader, readers, reader, novel, novels, angel, angels, heaven, heavens, heavenly, heaven is boring, trope, tropes, stereotype, stereotypes, cliche, cliches, art, arts, religious imagery, religious, religions
Noah falls asleep by counting animal pairs.
Tags:noah, noah's ark, noah's arc, noahs arc, noahs ark, bible story, bible stories, torah story, torah stories, torah, torahs, bible, bibles, old testament, insomnia, insomniac, insomniacs, sleeping disorder, sleeping disorders, sleeping problem, sleeping technique, sleeping techniques, counting sheep
"M, F, L, G, B, T, Q, I - we're going to need a bigger ark."
The Election is Near
Tags:politics, politician, politicians, political, political leader, political leaders, government, governments, president, presidents, election, elections, vote, votes, voter, voters, the end is near, the end is nigh, bible, bibles, religion, religious, end of the world, apocalypse, protest, protests, protester, protesters, sign, signs
"When were you planning to tell me about Hell?"
Tags:hell, hellish, hells, underworld, afterlife, afterlives, after-life, after-lives, purgatory, purgatories, raising, child rearing, child-rearing, growing up, raised, grow up, religion, religions, bible, bibles, christianity, christians, church, service, services, religious, upset, tantrum, pout, parents, parent, parenting, upset, discover, discovered, find out, finding out
Expulsion with Goody Bags
Tags:adam, eve, adam and eve, goody bags, party bag, party bags, goody bag, eden, garden of eden, genesis, expulsion, expelled, religion, religions, christian, christians, old testament, bible, bibles, torah, torahs, religious, party, parties, convention, conventions, promotion, promotional, promotions, promoting, promotes, advert, advertising, adverts, ad, ads, advertisement, advertisements
"Just for the record, I knew you were naked before I ate the apple."