"Is there any chance of getting my testicles back?"
"Most of all, he'll be remembered for his irrepressible spirit."
Tags:funeral, funerary, funerals, funeral service, burial, burials, death, dead, corpse, black humor, black humour, dark humor, dark humour, mourn, mourning, family, rigor mortis, rigor, mortis, spirit, spirited, determination, determined, optimism, optimistic, glass half full, optimists, optimist, ok, okay, outlook, outlooks, positive outlook, positive outlooks
"Hi, I'm your court-appointed lawyer-whoa! Don't tell me you've been executed already."
Tags:lawyer, lawyers, counselor, counselors, counsellors, counsellors, attorney, attorneys, solicitor, solicitors, barrister, barristers, legal counsel, court-appointed, public defender, public defenders, defence, defense, client, clients, defendant, defendants, jail, jail, prison, prisons, crime, criminal, criminals, convict, convicts, death row, death penalty, capital punishment, execution, executions, executed, cell, cells, empty, gone, disappeared, too late, bad timing, incompetent, incompetents, incompetence, death, black humour, black humor, dark humour, dark humor
"So how's the family? Still disintegrating?"
Tags:bar, bars, pub, pubs, patron, patrons, customer, customers, drink, drinks, drinking, drinking alcohol, alcohol, alcoholic, alcoholics, drunk, drunks, mental health, liquor, booze, family, families, family issues, family problems, disintegrating, falling apart, relationship, relationships, relationship issues, relationship problems, marriage, marriages, married life, black humor, black humour, dark humor, dark humour
"His final wish was that all his medical bills be paid promptly."
Tags:medicine, medicines, medic, medical, medics, medical joke, modern medicine, modern world, exploit, exploitation, consumerism, consumer, capitalist, capitalism, private, private healthcare, healthcare, health, public healthcare, medicare, medi care, nhs, national health service, pro nhs, pro medicare, national health care, obamacare, death, dead, family, bitter humor, bitter humour, dark humor, dark humour, black humor, black humour, dark humor, dark humour, console, consoling, consolation, intensive care, sick, sickness, ill, illness, illnesses, sicknesses, doctor, doctors, surgeon, surgeons, surgery
"Relax, honey - change is good."
Tags:death, grim reaper, black humor, language, clichés, dark humor, dark humour, die, dies, dying, transition, transitions, change, changes, changing, positive change, positive changes, afterlife, afterlives, good change, good changes, married couple, married couples, old married couple, old married couples, mankoff
"Why would He take someone so toned?"
Tags:dark humour, dark humor, black humor, black humour, dead, die, died, dying, death, funeral, funerals, wake, wakes, grave, graves, graveyard, cemetery, cemeteries, weight lifter, weight lifting, weight lifters, fitness, fit, muscles, muscular, toned, attraction, eye candy, health, headstone, headstones, gravestone, gravestones
"What will it take to put one of you two into a brand-new Eterna-5000 today?"
Tags:death, planning for death, coffin, coffins, casket, caskets, casket store, casket stores, coffin store, coffin stores, funeral, funerals, funeral planning, end-of-life planning, after death planning, salesman, salesmen, making the sale, sale, sales, selling, shopping, customer service, old age, getting old, getting older, growing old, growing older, middle-age, middle-aged, old people, elderly, elderly people, senior, seniors, senior citizen, senior citizens, ageing, aging, customer, customers, shopper, shoppers, consumerism, black humor, black humour, dark humor, dark humour
"It's your real-estate agent. She says she may have found you a higher ledge."
Tags:dark humour, dark humor, gallows humor, gallows, gallows humour, black humor, black humour, jump, jumping, ledge, jump off, ledges, real-estate, real estate, apartment, apartments, sales, sales pitch, hard sell, bad timing, timing, talk down, suicidal, ledge, ledges, location, locations, leap, leaps, leaping
"Take some identification with you in case you die."
Tags:dark, dark humor, dark humour, black humor, black humour, gallows humour, gallows humor, dead, deadpan, cycling, cycle, bicycle, bike, biking, bicycles, cyclist, cyclists, cyclist humor, cyclist humour, id, identification, identity, id card, proof of identity, old age, old, age, elderly, exercise, exercising, middle age, middle aged, middle ages, mid life crisis, midlife crisis, mid-life crisis, death, dead, died, dying, die, marriage, married, married life
"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."
Tags:death, died, die, dies, dying, funeral, funerals, funerary, funeral procession, wake, the wake, holding a wake, open casket, casket, caskets, coffin, coffins, comment, commenting, everyone's a critic, comb over, combover, comb-over, hair, haircut, haircare, bald, balding, male pattern baldness, male patterned baldness, fashion, fashions, gossup, gossiping, gossipy, fashionable, black humor, dark humor, dark humour, black humour
"Think of it as one less thing to worry about."
Tags:death, grim reaper, grim reapers, reaper, reapers, embodiment of death, death personified, spectre of death, thanatos, angel of death, old, elderly, old people, elderly people, senior, seniors, senior citizen, senior citizens, aging, ageing, growing old, growing older, getting older, getting old, growing old, old age, worry, worries, anxiety, anxious, stress, relationship, relationships, relationship issues, relationship problems, marriage, marriages, married life, couple, couples, husband, husbands, wife, wives, spouse, spouses, widow, widows, saying goodbye, black humor, black humour, dark humor, dark humour
"We find pizza softens the blow of bad news."
Tags:bad, bad news, bearer of bad news, doctor, doctors, patient, patients, hospital, hospitals, surgery, surgeon, surgeons, death, dead, black humor, black humour, comfort food, comforting, comfort, food, pizza, pizzas, dark humor, dark humour, gallows humor, gallows humour, death, dead, died, dying, terminal, terminal illness, medical, medicine
"Before we continue, is there anyone else present who has never seen a dead person?"
Tags:death, dead, funeral, funerals, funeral service, funeral services, wake, wakes, memorial service, memorial services, memorial, memorials, casket, caskets, coffin, coffins, open-casket, dead body, dead bodies, corpse, corpse, new experience, new experiences, interruption, interruptions, interrupting, curious, curiosity, black humour, black humor, dark humor, dark humour
"Well, I guess we can leave the sign as it is."
Tags:family business, family businesses, family, son, sons, father, fathers, sibling, sliblings, brother, brothers, death, died, workplace accident, workplace accidents, accident, accidents, accidental death, sudden death, dark humour, dark humor, black humour, black humor, gallows humour, gallows humor
"I think we may be witnessing a defining moment in his presidency."
Tags:business, businessman, businessmen, boss, bosses, executive, executives, exec, execs, manager, managers, management, office, offices, office life, employee, employees, worker, workers, death, dead, shooting, weapon, weapons, firearm, firearms, gun, guns, gun control, firearms regulation, gun violence, gun crime, president, presidents, defining moment, defining moments, witness, witnesses, witnessing, violence, violent, crime, black humor, black humour, dark humor, dark humour
"Not so fast. I got life PLUS seventy-five years."
Tags:death, dead, dying, die, died, dies, grim, grim reaper, reaper, reaping, reap, reaps, grimme, scythe, scythes, hooded, hood, black, black robes, black humor, black humour, dark humor, dark humour, prison, prisons, jail, jails, sentence, sentencing, sentences, negotiate, negotiation, con, conning, conned, cons, bargain, bargains, crime, criminal, criminals, prisoner, prisoners, life imprisonment, life sentence, life
"Something collarless. I'm being guillotined."
Tags:shopping, shop, store, stores, fashion, fashionable, sales, salesclerk, salesman, salesperson, men, men's clothing, clothing, clothes, style, styles, trend, trendy, trending, execute, execution, death, death sentence, sentenced to death, guillotine, guillotined, dark humour, dark humor, black humour, black humor
Santa Claus reads a newspaper while Rudolph's head is mounted on a wall behind him.
"That get-well card we sent certainly was a waste of money."
"Sorry to crash the party, folks, but all the little people that made it happen were just discovered buried in a shallow grave outside Bakersfield."
Tags:dark humour, dark humor, black humour, black humor, dead, die, died, death, dying, killed, killing, killer, killers, murder, murders, murderer, murderers, investigate, investigative, investigator, investigators, fbi, f.b.i., federal bureau of investigation, detective, detectives, police, policeman, policemen, police officer, police officers, cop, cops, crime, crimes, criminal, criminals, hollywood, bakersfield, california, award, awards, ceremony
"I'm a free woman. Edgar tried to cross the road."
Tags:why did the chicken cross the road, bad joke, bad jokes, riddle, riddles, husband, husbands, wife, wives, relationship, relationships, couple, couples, spouses, spouse, marriage, married, chicken, chickens, single, newly single, widow, widows, death, die, died, dark humor, dark humour, black humor, black humour
Lemonade Stand Selling 'Mom's Meds'
Tags:medical, medicine, medicines, drug, prescriptions, prescription, meds, medicare, obamacare, opiod, opiods, opiod addiction, pain pills, pain pill, lemonade stand, kid, kids, children, child, dark, dark humor, dark humour, black humor, black humour, gallows humour, gallows humor, dead, deadpan, social issues, social comment, social commentary, healthcare, health, healthy, health and wellbeing, wellbeing, critical, critic, critique, political, politics
"No, it's my husband that's expired. Is his credit card still good?"
Tags:death, dead, relationship, relationships, marriage, marriages, married life, couple, couples, husband, husbands, wife, wives, spouse, spouses, dead husband, dead husbands, widow, widows, mourning, mourner, mourners, grieving, bereaved, expired, expiry date, expiry dates, money, credit card, credit cards, shopping, shopper, shoppers, woman, women, stereotype, stereotypes, black humor, black humour, dark humour, dark humor, consumerism, retail