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"I won't have kids until gay men are able to give birth in every state."
Two entrances to a gym; one reads "Actual Exercise" while the other reads "Sit on Equipment and Stare at your Phone."
"I start every diet with the best intentions, but it goes to hell as soon as I sense blood in the water."
Your Good Intentions at Work
"I freeze all my leftovers until I feel less guilty about throwing them away."
"I merely wanted to create an atmosphere ripe for creativity, Instead I embezzed all our operating capital."
"All right, switch to Plan B - rob from the poor and make ourselves rich."
Do you accept Bitcoin?