Ignoring Cartoons

"I used to call people, then I got into e-mailing, then texting, and now I just ignore everyone."

"And you thought it was so easy just to ignore me on the subway."

Airplane Seatbelts

Woman in prison's visitation room, screaming at prisoner who is reading a newspaper

"My position is very simple. I prefer not knowing whether a person is gay or Irish."

Men Working Things Out

"This one's for not asking, and this one's for not telling."

". . . and I haven't met anyone interesting in years." "What am I-chopped liver?"

"I feel an intense pride, Robert, that I live in a country rich enough to have war and peace at the same time."

"Spare a little eye contact?"

"I've learned not to listen to critics who are right about me."

"Half Empty. Half Empty. Half Empty-"

"Look. They say sit, you sit. They say roll over, you roll over. Where's the prob?"

"Just ignore them. They're summer people."

"I begged him to learn how to swim—but did he listen?"

ONE MORNING WHILE GETTING DRESSED,

"The resolution has been made and seconded that we stick our heads in the sand."

"I'm sorry—did you say something? I was off creating my own reality."

"We'd like to do a song that will barely penetrate your consciousness as you continue to enjoy those faddish cigars and single-malt scotches."

"What does your mother have to do to get a drink around here?"

"To be frozen solid for a while on the north slope of Mt. Everest would, I occasionally feel, be a welcome change."

"Don't walk away from me while I'm not paying any attention to you."

"Your faucet is running."

"For one million dollars, what have I been talking about for the past ten minutes: the upcoming election, my mother, my job, or an article in the Home section about kitchen makeovers?"

From "The Letters Of Jeffrey Flanders and Tip-Top Utility"