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"Place your left hand on the Bible, raise your right hand, and repeat after me, 'Wow, I can't believe this is happening to me.'"
"You can eat the one marshmallow right now, or if you wait fifteen minutes, I'll give you two marshmallows and swear you in as President of the United States."
"Clinton spoke at my inauguration, and it's so cold outside-can he crash here for another week?"
"Do you swear to calm the jittery financial markets, all the jittery financial markets and nothing but the jittery financial markets, so help you God?"
"Hold on -- that's a trash fire. Over there is Trump's Inauguration speech."
"I'm terrific at estimating crowd size. It looks like a dozen, maybe two dozen at most."
"Oh, so this is what a Bible looks like."
"I'm reserving my spot for Hillary's inauguration."
Passed over at the Inaugural Poetry Audition
"'Ask not what the budget can do for you, ask what you can do for the budget.' They just might go for it."