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"I'm looking for a hedge against my hedge funds."
"Right now I think the wisest strategy is to diversify among your mattresses."
"If we're being honest, it was your decision to follow my recommendations that cost you money."
The Bull, the Bear, the Ant, and the Grasshopper
"We love Santa, but Santa didn't know as much about investing as he thought he did."
"Be truthful with me, Ben-what's the difference between mid cap and large cap?"
"O.K., don't e-mail this to anyone, but we're shorting black big time."
"Sometimes you eat the bear, Ellen. Sometimes the bear eats you."
"It is unwise to have ones assets evenly divided among stocks, bonds and lottery tickets."