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"You wouldn't believe how good they are. I'm making money on my asbestos and horseshoe stocks."
"I just don't see how an index fund tied to batting averages actually works."
"Do we have a place for your portfolio's ashes?"
"Don't include any tobacco stocks in your portfolio- they'll only stunt its growth."
"Monogamy is like a portfolio with only one investment in it?"
"Nothing in my hat. Nothing up my sleeve. And as of right now, ladies and gentlemen, nothing at all left in my goddamn portfolio."