"And remember, if you need anything I'm available 24/6."
"I'm Jewish and Don is Catholic, but we're raising the kids as wolves."
Tags:jew, jews, jewish, catholic, catholics, catholicism, mixed family, mixed families, kid, kids, children, religious family, religious families, ideology, ideologies, differing ideology, differing ideologies, raised by wolves, wolf, wolves, misbehave, misbehaves, misbehaving, interfaith, interfaith family, interfaith families, blended family, blended families, shpasik, jtoons
Tags:garden of eden, the garden of eden, genesis, book of genesis, old testament, the old testament, tempted, tempting, temptations, christianity, christian, christians, judaism, jews, jewish, forbidden fruit, the forbidden fruit, smoothie, smoothies, blender, blenders, smoothie maker, smoothie makers, modern life, modern times, modern attitudes, fad, fads, healthy living
"What don't you understand? When my clients fly their guests over your farm on the way to Vegas, they'd like to see the words 'Mazel tov, Josh' spelled out in your cornfield."
Tags:seder, seders, passover, passovers, passover seder, judaism, jewish, jews, jew, torah, torahs, candy, candies, chocolate, chocolates, parody, parodying, alternative, holiday, holidays, celebration, celebrates, celebrate, hebrew, feast, feasts, represent, represents, representing, symbol, symbols, symbolism, food, foods, religion, religions, home, family, families, shpasik, jtoons
Jews for Jesus and also for pissing off one's parents, even if they weren't religious, in a way that the Hare Krishnas can't even begin to imagine.
Tags:jews, jew, judaism, torah, jesus, messiah, messiahs, rebel, rebellion, rebelling, rebels, hebrew, christian, christians, christianity, family, families, parent, parents, religion, religions, religious, youth, young, adolescent, adolescence, teenage rebellion, teenage-rebellion, teenage, teen, teens, shpasik, jtoons,
"Ugh, I'm too hungover for salvation-come back later."
Tags:hungover, hangover, hangovers, drinker, drinkers, the morning after, god, christianity, christian, christians, judaism, jews, jewish, salvation, salvation, judgement, judgement day, miracle, miracles, headache, headaches, hung over, hung-over, hang over, hang overs, hang-over, hang-overs, drunk, drunks, alcoholic, alcoholics, alcoholism, theism, theist, theists
"I hate my fans."
Tags:god, heaven, angel, angels, pearly gate, pearly gates, religions, theism, theist, theists, religious extremism, religious extremist, religious extremists, extremism, extremist, fan, fans, fandom, fandoms, fanatic, fanatic, idol, idols, idolise, idolize, idolising, idolizing, christian, christians, christianity, judaism, jews, jewish
"We only ask that you be discreet around the celebrities."
"It's very nice. I just think they could add a spa."
Tags:heaven, angel, angels, spa, spas, dying, afterlife, the afterlife, after-life, the after-life, heavenly reward, god, gods, christianity, christians, judaism, jews, complain, complaining, dissatisfied, ungrateful, hotel, hotels, hotel spas, hotel spa, unreasonable, fitness, wellbeing, well-being, well being, day spa, day spas, immortality, paradise, imperfect, imperfection, life after death, afterworld, the afterworld, after world, the after world, after worlds, afterworlds
Tags:arcade, arcades, arcade game, arcade games, slot machine, slot machines, coin op, coin ops, coin-op, coin-ops, jew, jews, jewish, judaism, mole, moles, bris, brit milah, circumcision, circumcisions, mohel, mohels, covenant of circumcision, circumciser, circumcisers, tradition, traditions, ritual, rituals, shpasik, jtoons
"Two bars—how about you?"
Tags:angel, angels, heaven, christianity, christian, christians, judaism, jewish, jews, smartphone, smartphones, modern technology, modern technologies, modern life, modern times, modern attitudes, connectivity, phone signal, phone signals, wifi, wi-fi, wifi signal, wi-fi signal, cellphone, cellphones, phone, phones, mobile phone, mobile phones, reception, phone reception, no signal, telephone signal, telephone signals, phone signal, phone signals, priorities, prioritise, prioritize, wrong priorities, bad priorities, heavenly reward, disappoint, disappointed, disappointment
Then on the Eighth Day
Tags:god, heaven, creation, creationism, creationist, creationists, the creation, genesis, book of genesis, the book of genesis, old testament, the old testament, christianity, christian, christians, judaism, jew, jews, jewish, theism, theist, theists, religions, writers block, writer's block, creative block, artists block, artist's block, creation myth, in the beginning, give up, giving up, given up, run out of ideas, running out of ideas, rest, resting, relax, relaxing, taking a break
Arresting Adam and Eve
Tags:adam, eve, garden of eden, genesis, creation myth, creation myths, creation story, creation stories, snake, snakes, serpent, serpents, temptations, tempting, tempted, beat cop, beat cops, the fall, bible story, bible stories, torah story, torah stories, arrest, arrests, crimes, criminal, criminals, policemen, policeman, cop, cops, christian, christians, christianity, judaism, jew, jews
"Do you know why the universe works so well? God runs it like a business, that's why."
Tags:business men, business man, business people, business person, businessmen, businessman, businessperson, business executive, business executives, god, gods, christianity, christian, christians, judaism, jews, jewish, theism, theist, theists, conceit, conceited, the universe, harmony, harmonious, capitalism, capitalist, capitalists, universal harmony, universal law of harmony, beliefs, self important, self-importance, self important, self importance
"I'd like to buy my husband a yarmulke of the type worn by Rudy Giuliani."
Tags:yarmulke, yarmulkes, jewish voter, jewish voters, jewish vote, giuliani, rudy giuliani, mayor, mayors, new york, new york city, candidate, candidates, presidential candidate, presidential candidates, fashion, hat, hats, fashionable, mislead, misleads, misleading, shop, shops, shopping, men's fashion, appeal, appeals, appealing, deceive, deceives, deceiving, appropriate, appropriates, appropriation, religious dress, jew, jews, jewish, demographic, demographics, campaign, campaigns, campaigning
"This is neither Heaven nor Hell. It's the private sector."
Tags:heaven, pearly gates, the pearly gates, afterlife, the afterlife, after life, dying, the after life, died, god, private sector, the private sector, citizen sector, the citizen sector, hell, heavenly reward, for profit, for-profit, christianity, christian, christians, judaism, jews, jewish, for profit businesses, for profit business, capitalism, capitalist, capitalists, economy, the economy, economics
"I brought out the meekness in others."
Tags:heaven, gates of heaven, pearly gates, pearled gates, judgement, judgement day, god, christianity, christian, christians, judaism, jews, jewish, theism, theist, theists, meek, meekness, arrogant, arrogance, superior, superiority, conceit, conceited, pretentious, pretentiousness, pretension, persuade, persuading, persuasive, making your case, unworthy, unworthiness
Shotgun Bar Mitzvah
"I'm starting to prefer the ones who don't believe in me."
Tags:gods, god, angel, angels, heaven, christianity, christians, christian, judaism, jews, jewish, theism, atheism, religious extremism, religious extremists, atheist, atheists, theist, theists, preference, prefer, losing hope, hopeless, conservatives, conservative, conservative view, conservative views, religious view, religious views, abortion law, abortion laws, same sex marriage
"I don't want to let being dead define me."
Tags:dead, dying, heaven, the after life, afterlife, after life, after-life, angel, angels, christianity, christian, christians, judaism, jewish, jew, jews, self define, self defined, self definition, self-define, self-defined, self-definition, theism, theist, theists, putting people in boxes, define, defined, pretentious, pretension, delusion, deluded, mistaken
"I love your early work."
Tags:god, jew, jews, jewish, judaism, compliment, compliments, early adopter, early adopters, original, originals, abraham, abrahamic religion, abrahamic religions, fan, fans, fanatic, fanatics, religion, religions, religious, observe, observes, observant, orthodox, early work, purist, purists, shpasik, jtoons
"First of all, this conversation never happened."
Tags:jew, jews, jewish, orthodox, yarmulke, yarmulkes, christmas, holiday, holidays, holiday season, deniability, plausible deniability, vow of silence, santa, santa claus, father christmas, hanukkah, chanukah, christian, christians, goyim, goy, gentile, gentiles, swearing to silence, jealous, envy, envious, shpasik, jtoons
The Encyclopedia of Job