"It's a baby. Federal regulations prohibit our mentioning its race, age, or gender."
Tags:baby, babies, it's a boy, it's a girl, child, children, having kids, kid, kids, having children, have children, regulation, regulations, genders, politically correct, political correctness, pc, p.c., pc culture, p.c. culture, federal government, privacy, private, offense, offended, medical, medicine, doctor, doctors, nurse, family, families, parent, parents, political
"I'll be performing the operation, and this is the anesthesiologist."
Tags:medicine, medical, doctor, doctors, anaesthesiology, anaesthesiologist, anaesthesiologists, operation, operations, surgery, surgeries, unconscious, club, clubs, hit, knock out, knocked out, knock-out, knocked-out, put to sleep, patient, patients, prehistoric, cavemen, caveman, cave, caves, history, prehistory, ancient
"Cosmetic dentistry changed my life."
Tags:animal, animals, anthro, anthropomorphic, anthropomorphism, alligator, gator, gators, croc, crocodile, beauty, beautiful, medical, surgery, surgeon, dental, dental work, had work done, image clash, animals with human teeth, cosmetic, cosmetics, cosmetic dentistry, dentist, dentists, dentistry, life-changing, life changing, appearances, appearance, happy customer, happy customers, swamp
"The machine's done something really weird to Mr. Hendrickson."
"Me? I'm just one of those shadowy figures who inhabit the mysterious twilight world where the medical and legal professions meet."
Tags:party, cocktails, parties, partying, medical, medicine, pharma, big pharma, big-pharma, pharmaceuticals, medicines, legal, law, laws, legal profession, professions, twilight, dodgy, shady, suspect, sketchy, money, earning, wealthy, corrupt, corruptions, corruption, corrupting, legal, lawyer, lawyers, shadowy, operation, operations, operating, lawful
"Fortunately treatment will be relatively inexpensive since you have the generic form of the disease!"
Tags:medical, medicine, medicines, meds, drug, pill, pills, pharmaceutical, pharmaceuticals, prescription, prescriptions, sickness, sick, ill, illness, disease, diseases, money, expensive, inexpensive, cheap, treatment, treatments, cure, cures, healthcare, generic, generics, doctor, doctors, big pharma, pharmaceutical company, pharmaceutical companies, patient, patients
"Please, honey, I'm with a patient, and I've asked you not to call me on this line."
Tags:stethoscope, stethoscopes, doctor, doctors, patient, patients, work, working, family, families, partner, partners, phone call, phone calls, call, calls, this line, line, lines, impossible, absurd, works, medical, medicine, medicines, phonecall, phonecalls, calling at work, emergency, treating, diagnose, diagnosing, equipment
Angels shopping in a store called "Heaven Pharmacy: Self-serve"
Tags:religion, religious, death, life after death, heaven, angel, angels, clouds, self-serve, pharmacy, pharmacies, chemist, chemists, chemist's, pharmacists, pharmacists, drugstore, drugstores, drug, pharmaceuticals, pharmaceutical, medicine, medicines, meds, prescription, prescriptions, prescribed, medical, drug abuse, medicine abuse, prescription abuse, pharmaceutical abuse, addiction, addict, addicts, healthcare, health care, antidepressant, antidepressants, pill, pills
"Uh-oh, your coverage doesn't seem to include illness."
Tags:medical, word play, problems, insurance, health, fitness, disease, death, medicine, doctors, insurance coverage, health insurance, healthcare, insurance industry, insurance industries, bad coverage, bad insurance, american healthcare, american healthcare system, affordable, aca, affordable care act, obamacare, trumpcare, mankoff
"Well, Bob, it looks like a paper cut, but just to be sure let's do lots of tests."
"There will be a bit of a wait while we figure out a market solution to your problem."
Tags:emergency, doctors, medical, medicine, a&e, accident and emergency, accident & emergency, emergency room, er, free market, health insurance, health cover, health plan, healthcare cover, health-care cover, healthcare covers, health-care covers, crisis, healthcare plan, health-care plan, healthcare plans, health-care plans, single payer health care, universal health care, libertarian, laissez faire, laissez-faire, market solution, the free market, the free market provides, capitalism, socialism, health, care, doctors, medicine
"This patient has a rare form of medical insurance."
Tags:health insurance, insurance, insurances, health plan, health plans, healthcare plan, healthcare plans, health-care, healthcare coverage, health-care cover, health-care coverage, health care cover, healthcare cover, doctor, doctors, medical, medicine, diagnosis, diagnose, medicaid, hospital, hospitals, hospital bed, priority, priorities
"Is there any chance of getting my testicles back?"
"Well, yes, it's a routine procedure - if you routinely have someone slice open your body with sharp instruments and then fiddle with your insides."
Tags:doctor, patient, surgery, medical, consultation, surgery, surgeries, routine procedure, routine procedures, under the knife, going under the knife, casual, casualness, surgeon, surgeons, apprehension, apprehensive, nervous, nervousness, anxious, anxiousness, anxiety, anxieties, procedure, procedures, appendectomy, appendectomies, tonsil, tonsils, tonsillitis, mankoff
"You should just feel a tiny prick, and then a lifetime of morphine addiction."
Tags:hospital, hospitals, clinic, clinics, doctor's office, doctor's office, medical, medicine, doctor, doctors, nurse, patient, patients, health, health care, healthcare, needle, needles, injection, injections, syringe, syringes, pain, painkillers, painkiller, morphine, addict, addicts, addiction, prick, lifetime, lifetimes, drug abuse, medicine abuse, opiate, opiates, opioid, opioids, opiate abuse, opioid abuse
"Certainly. A party of four at seven-thirty in the name of Dr. Jennings. May I ask whether that is an actual medical degree or a Ph.D.?"
Tags:restaurant, restaurants, dining out, eating out, eating, dining, reserving, reservation, reservations, dinner, waiter, waiters, server, servers, host, hosts, booking, name, names, language, languages, english, grammar, honorific, honorifics, title, titles, prefix, prefixes, dr, dr., doctor, doctors, medical, medicine, education, degree, degrees, postgraduate, postgraduates, phd, ph.d., postgraduate doctoral degree, customer service, service, rude, bad manners
"We think it has something to do with your genome."
Tags:doctors, doctors and patients, genome, dna, genetic engineering, insects, sci fi, medical, problems, modern life, modern living, genetic abnormality, genetic abnormalities, genetic illness, genetic illnesses, doctor's appointment, doctor's appointments, gene, genes, kafka, kafkaesque, franz kafka, metamorphosis, diagnosis, diagnoses, mankoff
"The answer isn't more troops—what you need is an antibiotic."
Tags:hospital, hospitals, clinic, clinics, doctor's office, doctor's office, medical, medicine, doctor, doctors, patient, patients, health, health care, healthcare, diagnosis, diagnoses, treatment, treatments, cure, cures, drug, pharmaceuticals, pharmaceutical, medicines, meds, prescription, prescriptions, pill, pills, antibiotic, antibiotics, infection, infections, strategy, strategies, military, general, generals, officer, officers, troop, troops, war, wars, plan of attack, answer, answers
"Unfortunately, there's no cure—there's not even a race for a cure."
"Excuse me, Doc, my attention wandered. What type of deficit disorder did you say I had?"
Tags:attention deficit disorder, doctors, crazy, doctors & patients, medical, trends, psychiatrists, psychologists, psychiatrist, attention, short attention span, short attention spans, attention span, attention spans, modern life, modern world, modern worlds, modern living, mental disorder, mental disorders, learning disability, learning disabilities, learning disabled, mankoff
"His final wish was that all his medical bills be paid promptly."
Tags:medicine, medicines, medic, medical, medics, medical joke, modern medicine, modern world, exploit, exploitation, consumerism, consumer, capitalist, capitalism, private, private healthcare, healthcare, health, public healthcare, medicare, medi care, nhs, national health service, pro nhs, pro medicare, national health care, obamacare, death, dead, family, bitter humor, bitter humour, dark humor, dark humour, black humor, black humour, dark humor, dark humour, console, consoling, consolation, intensive care, sick, sickness, ill, illness, illnesses, sicknesses, doctor, doctors, surgeon, surgeons, surgery
A woman on a beach boardwalk looks shocked as a topless man walks past her with a back tattoo that reads "I got hepatitis at Randy's Tattoo Parlor."
Tags:beach, beaches, seaside, seashore, tattoo, tattoos, tattoo artist, tattoo artists, tattoo shop, tattoo shops, tattoo parlor, tattoo parlors, tattoo parlour, tattoo parlours, tattooist, tattooists, tattooed, tats, tat, hygiene, unhygienic, hepatitis, medical, medicine, disease, diseases, dangerous, risky, risk, advertising, advertisement, advertisements, ad, ads, marketing, bad marketing, pr, p.r., public relations, scratcher, scratchers, health, body art
"I'm allergic to the sun."
"All the body parts were locally sourced."
Tags:local, food, organic, organic food, local food, locally sourced, sustainable, sustainably sourced, locally sourced, local food movement, locavore, locavores, eating sustainably, sustainable eating, frankenstein, literature, book, books, novel, novel, horror, horror story, horror stories, film, films, movie, movies, body part, body parts, body, bodies, science, medical, medicine, modern life
"Wow! You need professional help."
Tags:medical, psychiatry, psychology, incompetents, professional help, therapist, therapists, wild story, wild stories, crazy story, crazy stories, psychiatrist, psychiatrists, psychologist, psychologists, analyst, analysts, psychological problem, psychological problems, mental health, mentally ill, mental illness, mankoff