New Dad Cartoons

"It's kittens."

"My boyfriend is the son my parents always wanted."

"We've decided that it will be better for his later development if we speak to him only in legalese."

"Half a dozen brown—three large, three jumbo!"

"Humor should be employed to defuse tension, not create it."

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

"Your daughter has 'I have something to share' syndrome."

"Right now I'm a stay-at-home dad, but when this baby comes I'm going back to work."

"Cash, Jordan. That's what separates man from the apes."

"You were an accident."

"Listen up and listen up good, 'cause I'm only going to say this a million times."

"Wow! Gold, frankincense, myrrh—and a six-pack!"

"You know, statistically speaking, at least one of these gingerbread men is gay."

"The only ghosts you need fear are the ghosts of your past—which will gnaw away at your soul, riddle you with self-doubt, and ultimately sap you of your will to live."

"What would you recommend to hold a seven-year-old girl's attention in a car from East Seventy-eighth Street to Bridgehampton?"

"Don't make me resort to alternative questioning techniques."

"I moved to the Internet to be closer to my children."

"Congratulations! It's a Beanie Baby."

"If you want to be rich, the first thing you have to learn is how to count."

"At high noon I'm takin' her to the zoo. How's one-thirty?"

"Congratulations! It's a bitch!"

Batman at the Maternity Ward

"Yes, I was asleep. But it was a vigilant sleep."

Why there are moms

"Please, don't hurt me—I have a wife, and I'm gradually becoming O.K. with the possibility of having children!"