News Stories Cartoons

"Extra! Extra! News of a gentler, bygone time!"

"He's from PM."

"Those are the headlines, and we'll be back in a moment to blow them out of proportion."

"What could I do? It jumped off the newsstand."

"Now here's my co-anchor, Nancy, with a conflicting account of that very same story."

Big Newspaper Delivery

"'60 Minutes' is on."

"I don't suppose there's another once-in-a-lifetime astronomical phenomenon coming up soon?"

"This is your ninety-nine-per-cent-news-free six-o'clock news."

"Are you through with your 'Times'?"

"I just heard some interesting news. The world is going to the dogs."

"Thanks, Bruce, for that featherhead item. Now it's back to Ed, with a story that will scare the pants off everyone."

"It looks like it's going to be a slow news night."

"Who am I to question our government's policies? I'll tell you who I am! I'm Bernard A. Nesbitt, who reads the 'Times,' the 'Wall Street Journal,' the 'Post,' 'Newsweek,' 'Time,' 'Business Week,' 'U.S.News & World Report,' 'Look,' 'Life,' and 'Saturday Evening Post.' That's who I am!"

The Letter E

The Emperor's Newspaper

A man looking like Mikhail Gorbachev appearing yesterday with a man looking like George Bush to announce a plan that sounds like a pretty good idea.

"You'll get a chuckle out of what Maureen Dowd says about you in today's 'Times'."

The Evening News

"I love it when you use your 'All Things Considered' voice."

"I think he looks very anchorly today."

Oversized New York Times Delivered

"If you use up all your worry today what will you have tomorrow?"

"Maybe we shouldn't line her cage with newspaper."

"You can't send me to bed now - now when events are breaking so fast."