"You should just feel a tiny prick, and then a lifetime of morphine addiction."
Tags:hospital, hospitals, clinic, clinics, doctor's office, doctor's office, medical, medicine, doctor, doctors, nurse, patient, patients, health, health care, healthcare, needle, needles, injection, injections, syringe, syringes, pain, painkillers, painkiller, morphine, addict, addicts, addiction, prick, lifetime, lifetimes, drug abuse, medicine abuse, opiate, opiates, opioid, opioids, opiate abuse, opioid abuse
"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. The anesthesiologist is on vacation."
Tags:anesthesia, anaesthesia, anesthesiologist, anesthesiologists, anaesthetist, anaesthetists, doctor, doctors, physician, physicians, surgeon, surgeons, surgery, surgeries, surgical procedure, surgical procedures, operation, operations, painkiller, painkillers, general anaesthetic, general anaesthetics, general anesthetic, general anesthetics
"I'll need to see some I.D. for the Claritin."
Tags:id, i.d., age restriction, age restrictions, gun law, gun control, second amendment, 2nd amendment, gun laws, medicine, medication, age restrict product, age restricted products, painkiller, painkillers, priorities, bad priorities, wrong priorities, modern life, modern times, modern attitudes, contradiction, contradictions, hypocrite, hypocrites, hypocrisy
"For the pain, these have proven to be the most effective swear words."
"I could perscribe a massive amount of painkillers, but I'm the computer repairman."
Tags:doctor, doctors, mistake, mistakes, mistaken identity, mistaken identities, computer repairman, computer repairmen, medication, meds, medications, painkiller, painkillers, hospital, hospitals, md, mds, gp, gps, general practitioner, general practitioner, clinic, clinics, check up, medical check up, check ups, medical check ups
"I'd like some Ketamine for my appetizer. What opiate would you recommend for my entree?"
"He said to take two aspirins and call him in the morning? Ridiculous! Take three aspirins and call me in the morning."
Tags:man, men, doctor, doctors, medical, medicine, medical advice, advice, advising, armchair doctor, armchair doctors, asprin, asprins, painkiller, painkillers, nsaid, nsaids, medicines, pill, pills, drug, pharmaceutical, pharmaceuticals, health, healthcare, health care, self-treatment, self-diagnosis
"First, we numb you by showing you today's headlines."
Tags:doctor, doctors, hospital, hospitals, surgeon, surgeons, surgery, surgeries, operation, operations, operating theatre, operating theatres, operating room, operating rooms, media, news, newspaper, newspapers, magazine, magazines, technology, online, fake news, laptop, laptops, tablet, tablets, smartphone, smartphones, headline, headlines, anaesthetized, anaesthetize, anesthetized, anesthetize, anaesthetised, anaesthetise, anaesthetist, anaesthetists, anesthetist, anesthetists, painkiller, painkillers, numbing, numb, numbed
"We can give you enough medication to alleviate the pain, but not enough to make it fun."
Tags:hospital, hospitals, doctor, doctors, patient, patients, health, health care, healthcare, bedridden, serious, drug, pharmaceuticals, pharmaceutical, medicine, medicines, meds, medication, medications, prescription, prescriptions, medical, drug abuse, medicine abuse, prescription abuse, pharmaceutical abuse, addiction, addict, addicts, alleviate, enough, fun, high, getting high, painkiller, painkillers, pain
"Personally, I never take anything but aspirin."
Tags:medication, medications, taking medication, pharmaceutical, pharmaceuticals, pharmaceutical company, pharmaceutical companies, prescription drug, prescription drug, hypocrite, hypocrites, hypocritical, aspirin, aspirins, painkiller, painkillers, scientist, scientists, science experiment, science experiments, medical research, medical researcher, medical researchers, scientific research, chemistry experiment, chemistry experiments, excess, excessive, overkill
The discovery of the $2,000 Aspirin
Tags:aspirin, aspirins, painkiller, painkillers, science, scientist, scientists, lab, science lab, science labs, lab work, pharmaceuticals, pharmaceutical companies, big pharma, drug patent, drug patents, eureka, eureka moments, money, business, expensive, medical expenses, medicine, medication, medications, expensive medication
The over-the-counter versions
"I think the pain meds are kicking in Mr. Wiggles."
"The lady in the bed across the hall would like to buy you a pain pill."
Tags:hospital, hospitals, hospital bed, hospital beds, patient, patients, nurse, health care, health care, health care costs, health care expenses, medical expenses, medical bill, medical bills, doctors bill, doctors bills, health insurance, insurance cover, patient, patients, ill health, pain pill, pain pills, painkiller, painkillers, buy you a drink, buy a drink, flirt, flirtatious, flirtation