"Surprise!"
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heaven, heavens, dog, dogs, pet, pets, all dogs go to heaven, all dogs, all dog, good dog, good boy, good boys, childhood, childhood pet, anthro, anthropomorphic, anthropomorphism, animals, animal, talking, talking animal, pet, pets, domestic pet, man's best friend, mans best friend, best friend, religious, religion, pearly gates, pearly gate, st peter, saint peter, unexpected"Let's be reasonable. Just approve my client, and we'll all be spared a lot of nasty litigation."
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st. peter, saint peter, representation, legal representation, lawyer, lawyers, defense attorney, defense attorneys, attorney, attorneys, litigation, lawsuit, lawsuits, intimidate, intimidates, intimidation, intimidating, client, clients, veiled threat, veiled threats, judgement, judgements, judgment, judgments, judge, judges, representative, representatives"Actually, I preferred 'Heaven,' too, but then the marketing guys got hold of it."
"Did you bring a duplicate copy of your 'Times' obit with you?"
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religion, religious, death, after death, afterlife, heaven, heaven's gate, entrance to heaven, st. peter's gate, saint peter's gate, pearly gates, st. peter, saint peter, angel, angels, paperwork, document, documents, proof, evidence, death certificate, death certificates, government, governments, bureaucracy, duplicate, copy, copies, obituary, obituaries, obit, obits, news, newspaper, newspapers, media, getting into heaven"No, no, that's not a sin, either. My goodness, you must have worried yourself to death."
"I'd have been here sooner if it hadn't been for early detection."
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early detection, diagnosis, diagnoses, medical advance, medical advances, terminal, terminal illness, terminal illnesses, uncurable, condition, conditions, pearly gates, afterlife, st. peter, saint peter, heaven, heaven's gate, rare disease, rare diseases, disease, diseases, illness, illnesses, sickness, sick, prolonging life"Wait, those weren't lies. That was spin!"
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lie, lies, lying, spin, spins, spinning, spin doctor, spin doctors, damage control, saint peter, st. peter, pr, public relations, pr rep, pr reps, pr representative, pr representatives, heaven, heavenly gates, heaven's gate, gates of heaven, plead, pleads, pleading, lawyer, lawyers, attorney, attorneys, argue a case, arguing a case, argue, argues, arguing"Nobody 'leaked' your transgressions, Mister. We know everything up here."
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religion, religious, death, after death, afterlife, heaven, heaven's gate, entrance to heaven, st. peter's gate, saint peter's gate, pearly gates, st. peter, saint peter, angel, angels, god, watching, leak, leaks, leaked, transgression, transgressions, sins, know, knowing, everything, surveillance, under surveillance, no privacy, invasion of privacy, security, entering heaven"You picked the wrong religion, period. I'm not going to argue about it."
Concierge in Heaven
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concierge, concierges, heaven, heavenly gates, st. peter, saint peter, saint, saints, hotel, hotels, guest, guests, afterlife, afterlives, angel, angels"I'm expecting easy confirmation."
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pearl gates, pearly gates, gates of heaven, heaven, confirmation, confirmations, easy confirmation, easy confirmations, political appointment, political appointment, political confirmation, political confirmations, political candidate, political candidates, afterlife, the afterlife, st.peter, st peter, saint peter, judgement, confirmation politics, supreme court, us supreme court, legitimacy, judgement day, dying, died"Damn! God gave me that pen."
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heaven, heavenly, saint, saints, st. peter, saint peter, lost pen, lost pens, pen, pens, valuable, afterlife, afterlives, sentimental value, misplace, misplaces, misplaced, misplacing, careless, carelessness, saint, saints"But stay off the couch."
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couch, couches, dog, dogs, furniture, forbid, forbidden, forbidding, saint peter, heaven, afterlife, afterlives, heaven's gate, heavenly gates, gates of heaven, pet, pets, behavior, discipline, disciplines, disciplining, dog trainer, dog trainers, dog training, obedience, obedience school, obedience schools"Ah! Here you are - over on the s**t list."
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saint peter, st peter, st. peter, heavenly gates, pearly gates, afterlife, afterlives, saint, saints, sins, sinning, naughty list, naughty lists, vice, vices, evil, evils, eternal life, hell, hells, hades, after-life, after-lives, underworld"No, sorry, you'll still be dumb."
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religion, religious, death, after death, afterlife, heaven, heaven's gate, entrance to heaven, st. peter's gate, saint peter's gate, pearly gates, st. peter, saint peter, angel, angels, dumb, stupid, sorry, apology, apologies, apologising, apologizing, fate, forever, still, second chance, second chances, hopeless"So you can take it with you!"
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cliche, cliches, heaven, pearly gate, pearly gates, afterlife, death, dead, you can't take it with you, heaven's gate, possession, possessions, greed, greedy, materialism, entering heaven, entrance to heaven, death, after death, st. peter's gate, st. peter, saint peter, saint peter's gate, getting into heaven, golf club, golf clubs, golfer, golfers, grill, grills, barbecue, barbecues"Malcolm W. Dunlap, violin repairs. Malcolm, we are so pleased to see you."
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religion, religious, death, after death, afterlife, heaven, heaven's gate, entrance to heaven, st. peter's gate, saint peter's gate, pearly gates, st. peter, saint peter, angel, angels, violin, violins, music, musical instrument, musical instruments, instrument, instruments, repair, luthier, luthiers, violin repair, violin repairs, pleased, glad"Well, all your good deeds appear to be in order - now all that's left is the cavity search."
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religion, religious, death, after death, afterlife, heaven, heaven's gate, entrance to heaven, st. peter's gate, saint peter's gate, pearly gates, st. peter, saint peter, angel, angels, entering heaven, good deed, good deeds, requirement, requirements, admission, bureaucracy, security, cavity search, cavity searches, security screening, security screenings, tsa, t.s.a., transportation security administration, department of homeland security, invasive, invasion of privacy, invasions of privacy"Wings that don't work! Harps that don't play! Are you sure this isn't Hell?"
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heaven, afterlife, the afterlife, st.peter, st peter, saint peter, judgement, judgement day, dying, died, punishments, hell, cliche, cliches, stereotype, stereotypes, modern attitudes, fussy, snob, snobs, snobbish"It says here that you gave a lot of money to both parties and neither expected nor received anything in return. Very nice, but we'll have to put you in the crazy section."
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religion, religious, death, after death, afterlife, heaven, heaven's gate, entrance to heaven, st. peter's gate, saint peter's gate, pearly gates, st. peter, saint peter, angel, angels, entering heaven, charity, charitable, donation, donations, donor, donors, philanthropy, good deed, good deeds, money, politics, political party, political parties, republican party, republican, republicans, gop, grand old party, democrat, democrats, democratic party, campaign, campaigns, political, financing, crazy, both, campaign financing, political donor, political donors, funding, section, sections, corruption, campaign donations, campaign donors"Go ahead, finish your beer."
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heaven, gates of heaven, pearly gates, pearl gates, the pearly gates, st peter, st. peter, saint peter, pig, pigs, bbq, bbqs, barbecue, barbecues, barbeques, barbeque, judgement, judgement day, dying, after life, the afterlife, afterlife, the after life, meat eater, meat eaters, omnivore, omnivores"I would have stayed in Purgatory if I'd know this was going to be such a schlep."