"It's Eden. You don't have to keep checking for ticks."
Tags:tick, ticks, paranoia, paranoid, garden of eden, paradise, paradises, garden of earthly delights, worry, worries, worrying, worrier, worriers, old testament, genesis, torah, the torah, earthly paradise, check, checks, checking, bite, bites, biting, insect bite, insect bites, bug bit, bug bites, nuisance, nuisances
"Hold on-I think you got my toast."
Moses' Reading Glasses
Ten Plagues for Today's Seder
Tags:passover, plague, plagues, seder, seders, spam, catalogue, catalogues, body hair, reality show, reality shows, underachiever, underachieves, ten plagues, old testament, torah, call waiting, megastore, megastores, audit, audits, middle age, middle aged, modern life, modern times, jewish holiday, jewish holidays, shpasik, jtoons
"We're going to have a post-flood economy to deal with."
Tags:calamity, calamities, flood, great flood, noah, noah's ark, noahs ark, old testament, torah, genesis, book of genesis, economy, economies, economic ruin, economic ruins, fallout, fallouts, market correction, market corrections, great recession, great depression, financial recession, financial depression, rebuild, rebuilds, rebuilding, reconstruction, economic ruin, economic calamity, economic calamities, economist, economists, big picture
Tags:guilt, guilts, guilting, mom, moms, mother, mothers, mum, mums, nag, nags, nagging, passive aggressive, passive aggression, passive aggressiveness, parent, parents, parenting, frustration, frustrations, frustrating, put on a sweater, nice young man, approval, approve, approves, approving, torah, genesis, bible, bible story, bible stories, shpasik, jtoons
Tags:seder, seders, passover, passovers, passover seder, judaism, jewish, jews, jew, torah, torahs, candy, candies, chocolate, chocolates, parody, parodying, alternative, holiday, holidays, celebration, celebrates, celebrate, hebrew, feast, feasts, represent, represents, representing, symbol, symbols, symbolism, food, foods, religion, religions, home, family, families, shpasik, jtoons
Noah's Ark Being Towed.
Jews for Jesus and also for pissing off one's parents, even if they weren't religious, in a way that the Hare Krishnas can't even begin to imagine.
Tags:jews, jew, judaism, torah, jesus, messiah, messiahs, rebel, rebellion, rebelling, rebels, hebrew, christian, christians, christianity, family, families, parent, parents, religion, religions, religious, youth, young, adolescent, adolescence, teenage rebellion, teenage-rebellion, teenage, teenagers, teen, teens, shpasik, jtoons,
"He'll have abandonment issues."
Tags:moses, basket, baskets, egypt, ancient egypt, exodus, book of exodus, torah, bible, bible story, bible stories, abandon, abandons, abandonment, abandonment issues, complex, complexes, long lost mother, long lost parent, mother, mothers, son, sons, mom, moms, mum, mums, judaism, christianity, old testament
"A pillar of salt? Why, you poor, poor man."
Noah falls asleep by counting animal pairs.
Tags:noah, noah's ark, noah's arc, noahs arc, noahs ark, bible story, bible stories, torah story, torah stories, torah, torahs, bible, bibles, old testament, insomnia, insomniac, insomniacs, sleeping disorder, sleeping disorders, sleeping problem, sleeping technique, sleeping techniques, counting sheep
"And God called the light day."
"M, F, L, G, B, T, Q, I - we're going to need a bigger ark."
Expulsion with Goody Bags
Tags:adam, eve, adam and eve, goody bags, party bag, party bags, goody bag, eden, garden of eden, genesis, expulsion, expelled, religion, religions, christian, christians, old testament, bible, bibles, torah, torahs, religious, party, parties, convention, conventions, promotion, promotional, promotions, promoting, promotes, advert, advertising, adverts, ad, ads, advertisement, advertisements
"Just for the record, I knew you were naked before I ate the apple."
And Cain rose up against Abel and violated his civil rights.
Tags:civil rights, brutality, police brutality, police, police force, cop, cops, beat, beats, beating, beatings, euphemism, euphemisms, jan van eyck, ghent altarpiece, northern renaissance, art history, art historian, art historians, van eyck, bible story, bible stories, cain and abel, genesis, book of genesis, old testament, torah, sin, sins, sinning, sinner, sinners, black lives matter, blm, #blm, #blacklivesmatter
Shotgun Bar Mitzvah
Hunka, Hunka Burning Bush.
" 'Mene, mene, tekel, upharsin'? What kind of cookie is this?"
Tags:fortune cookie, fortune cookies, babylon, babylonian, king, kings, mene mene tekel upharsin, prophecy, prophecies, omen, omens, warning, warnings, warning from god, warnings from god, chinese restaurant, chinese restaurant, rich, riches, blasphemy, blasphemer, blasphemous, fortune, fortunes, prediction, predictions, curse, curses, old testament, torah, belshazzar's feast, writing on the wall, daniel, arrogant, arrogance, businessman, businessmen, business man, business men, cookie, cookies, dessert, desserts, humility, humble, humbles, god, jehovah
Samson Gets Off at Fourteen
"Please don't answer my question with a question, Cain."
"It's the mark of Cain, but it's benign."
Tags:cain, mark of cain, curse, cursed, god, jehovah, genesis, book of genesis, bible story, bible stories, tumor, tumors, tumour, tumours, benign, malignant, diagnose, diagnoses, diagnosing, doctor, doctors, oncology, oncologist, oncologists, prognosis, prognoses, old testament, torah, garden of eden
The Encyclopedia of Job
Tags:idiot, idiots, noah, noah's ark, noahs ark, ark, two by two, animal, animals, great flood, great floods, sink, sinking, sinks, drown, drowns, mistake, mistakes, religion, religions, bible, bibles, torah, old testament, water, flood, flooding, boat, ship, ships, boats, god, gods, yahweh, christianity, christianity, judaism