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"I could cry when I think of the years I wasted accumulating money, only to learn that my cheerful disposition is genetic."
"As long as I've got my legs shaved, I might as well do something with them."
"Officer, everything in the world is bothering me."
"We have to stick around - the fire guy's coming between twelve and two."
"We're running a bit short of time tonight, so let's skip the questions and go right to the answers."
Introducing...The Smart-Ass Phone
"I know we didn't accomplish anything, but that's what meetings are for."